List love: things you should never tell your mother

Today in Oz we show our hard working mothers how much we appreciate them by showering them with gifts, making them breakfast in bed, or waitressing at their restaurant for free.

For most of us, our mums provided for us, taught us right from wrong, baked us fattening treats while simultaneously cautioning us to watch our weight, nagged us into responsibility, instilled basic hygiene levels into us, and told us exactly what we’d be sorry for later on. And unfortunately, as you get older, you realise that she really was always right (there mum – I said it! Enough with freaky know-it-all stuff ok?).

If we’re really lucky, despite our turbulent teenage years where we swore we’d never grow up to be like our mums, in our adult life we’ve grown to have a real understanding of, and deep friendship with our mum. I am lucky enough to not only count my mum as someone I know will be there for me through thick and thin and who will do my washing when I come home to visit, but as someone I can have a real laugh with, or moan to, or steal clothes from.

BUT. There are still some things you should never share with your mum (stop reading now mum – it’s time to go magically find some receipt that you’ve had stashed for 7 years just to demonstrate you were right, it did cost $29.95):

5. Never kiss and tell

There is no reason why your mum should know the actual number of boys or girls which you may or may not have paid lip service to. It is absolutely enough that she only knows about your official boyfriends or girlfriends, and even then, preferably only the ones who lasted more than a year. Nobody wants to think their kid is skanking it up – and believe me, any number higher than 1 – as in THE ONE – is too high for your folks.

4. Never admit to fertilising the roses

Dried vomit? I don’t think so mum. Pretty sure the birds made that mess. No, I’m not sick, I’m just a bit tired. No, of course I wasn’t drunk, I’m perfectly capable of drinking in moderation. No mum, I’m sure it isn’t vomit. Maybe we should ask the neighbour what they’ve been putting in that bird feeder they’ve erected which is pretty much hanging over the fence line. I know! It is taking liberties. You should definitely get them to move it. Very good, you go speak to them while I just have a lie down here on the bathroom floor.

3. Never rat your dad out

Who the heck are you going to get to pick you up at 4am when you’re stranded without a taxi in sight if you’ve gone and told your mum that dad completely forgot it was her birthday until you supplied him with her pre-wrapped present? Which he obviously knew she wanted, because she’d mentioned it 34 times in the last month. Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, that’s all I’m saying.

2. Never take your grandma’s side

It doesn’t matter which grandma. And it certainly doesn’t matter if your mum is obviously barking mad and your gran is talking all the sense in the world – do not even so much as hint that you think your gran might have a point. Even if your mum is arguing that winter in Vegas still means it’s stinking hot (um…just because it’s a desert – no, you’re right mum, I’m sure it is just as hot as in summer), and even if you’re not relying on common geographical knowledge and you’ve actually been there so you know first hand your mum is definitely deluded – do not, EVER, take either grandmas side. Your washing privileges will be revoked.

1. Never admit that you really are just like her 

After all that teenage rebellion, it was a shock to the system to realise that yes, I really am my mothers daughter. Maybe not quite so obsessive about cleaning, or quite as capable with needle and thread…but definitely adverse to trapped cooking smells, sometimes a little ditzy, and religious about moisturising. I have to admit it’s not all bad though – just like my mum, I’m determined, independent, love to travel, revel in the company of my friends, and look good in skinny jeans. But there’s no way I’d give her the satisfaction of knowing she was right…yet again.

A very happy Mother’s Day to all you lovely ladies out there!


2 thoughts on “List love: things you should never tell your mother

  1. Well written, girl, and I am ever so proud of you and your abilities, even though you might have got them from me (he,he)

    Oh, by the way, the things you didn’t want me to know —– I did kind of know most of them, or I would have suspected them. You see, most mums are psychic, don’t you know??!!

  2. Pingback: One night stands: ego affirming or soul destroying? « Laugh Lots, Travel Often

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