I’m not a downbeat person usually, au contraire – I’m pretty happy go lucky. I like to think the best is going to happen, and frankly, it usually does (touch wood).
I do, however, suffer from a condition known as catastrophising.
Until a couple of weeks ago, I didn’t even know this was a thing. But just like FOMO, it definitely is.
It starts off with something akin to a day dream. And it usually happens in the rare moments I actually have a minute to myself at home i.e. when my imagination has time to run wild. I’ll look at the round rash on my hand, and without even realising I’m doing it, I’ll wonder what it’s from. Then I’ll remember it flared up from my recent foray into the wilderness (i.e. a lie down on the common). I’ll start to put two and two together: it came from outside, it must be some living thing probably burrowing beneath my skin into my system. NAY! Not just into my system, into my bloodstream. Being rapidly carried up to my brain where it will lodge and cause instant death! DEATH! Before my time! While I’m still so young!
Of course everyone would be devastated. I wouldn’t have the chance to say goodbye, or to sort anything out. Would the other half even know how to locate our home contents policy for future reference? Or would he live perpetually paying for it, on some kind of automatic renewal, because he never bothered to cancel it? When he moved out, obviously. Because he wouldn’t be able to stay in the house we shared a life in. Too many painful memories.
And my poor parents! Never to have known the joy of a grandchild from their only daughter. There would be intense weeping, probably chest beating, oh my poor, poor loved ones. It’s enough to bring a tear to my eye. No, seriously. I’ll sometimes actually feel a lump in my throat building and the insane desire to have a little sob. About my own death. My death which is not even on the cards. THAT’S HOW CRAZY I AM.
But not how crazy I am on my own. Because someone, somewhere, coined the term “catastrophiser”. Afflicted with terrifyingly vivid imagination, the likes of which can scare the heck out of myself, I am most definitely a catastrophiser.
Thank goodness I don’t have much time to relax on my own.